Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
