proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
my god I love twenty year old dicks