I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess