Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
