At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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