so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
