So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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