the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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