none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She's JV to your varsity
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
