I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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