Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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