True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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