Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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