I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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