Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
