these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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