Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
