I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
