I think I died a long time ago.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
