Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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