I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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