i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
