Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
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sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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