I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
