Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
