There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
