Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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