By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
