just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
