We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
so much tequila, so little girl.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
