Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
