I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
