matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
