it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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