where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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