do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
