i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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