Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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