I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
