Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
