so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
