evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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