Everything about him screamed your future.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
