I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
