Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i think im in europe. pls send help
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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