I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
