Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
