You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
