I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
