i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Soap is not a condiment
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to wash the frat house off of me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
