i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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