It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
