Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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