I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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