I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
