just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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