I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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